[ From inside the door, Ferdinand's voice sounds, ] Of course I am! [And naturally, it's getting closer, because he's about to open the door. ] Knowing you were to arrive, I would not leave you waiting.
[ And the door clicks and opens. First he sees Bernadetta, which conjures a small smile that leavens the despondence about his features. Then he notices the bear, which clips the smile, and even causes his lips to twitch as his heart is nipped with sudden, overwhelming ache. The way he looks at Bernadetta plunges into a sort of need, a lack of solace in his darkening world that might be alleviated with someone else he loves. He makes space for her to enter. ]
Please... make yourself at home.
[ Hubert's presence is alive and well in the space, the ghost of him all that is left in the wake of his likely departure. Ferdinand hasn't the heart to rearrange much of anything, even the smallest, dynamic messes like a cup forsaken on the table. ]
[ She hovers uncertainly at the entrance for a moment, waiting for him to let her in and close the door. She's very watchful, between taking a quick and quiet look inside for any sign of Hubert... and catches, quite by accident, how his smile falls when he spots the bear. Should she not have brought him?
She'll worry about that later. There's no time to be selfish, after all. First thing's first, she puts the bag down on the ground so she can turn and get on her tiptoes to fling her arms around his neck, if he'll let her. ]
[ Oh, he lets her. He presses her closely to him in return, finding solace in her embrace as much as he tries not to let it aggravate his sentimentality too much. Tears threaten him, after all. And if Hubert has truly vanished on them, then Bernadetta is the last he has of anyone he can call home, and he will not take her for granted. ]
I cannot bring myself to believe that he is simply... gone. And yet, I... cannot find a better explanation.
[ It's hard for her when people demand things - pulling or pushing her into things when she isn't ready. It's different like this, when a friend is troubled and in need of a good hug. ]
It's hard to believe when we don't understand how they do it.
Are you okay? I mean... can I do something for you?
Simply stopping in to see me like this does quite a lot for me. [ He releases the hug, though his hands remain on her shoulders, and another wispy attempt at a smile is made for her. ] It is enough. Besides, if there is something that can be done beyond clutching onto the selfish hope that he has not left us and continue investigating his whereabouts, I do not know what that is. I just... [ The despair starts to eat at the corners of his expression. ] I am aware that I must look forward. Contemplate a life without him here to support me, and prepare to find... someone new. [ Ah, it hurts to say... He swallows the pain. ] But it is... actually quite painful to do. I have hardly even accepted it yet.
You don't... have to find someone new, though. Not now, or maybe not ever? Not anyone like Hubert, at any rate, since I don't think there's anyone like him. [ She tries to smile for him too, maybe even succeeds at it for a little while. ]
I mean... you'll probably need to find someone to sign a new contract with, because we have to. We'll go to their zoo if we don't. But that new someone doesn't really have to mean as much as Hubert meant to you. I think. Maybe. [ But what does Bernie know, really? She's not been in this position before. ]
What you are saying makes sense to me. [ And there is a smile because of it, watery but rooted from the heart, from seeing her smile so encouragingly like that, a rare but wonderful sight. ] What he meant to me surpassed the roles we were given to play, and no matter who replaces him in that regard, I will keep him in my heart, in his very unique and special place, until the end of me. [ His eyes are starting to feel wet. He straightens, brings the back of his hand up to keep the tear at bay. ] Oh, no... I am quite overwhelmed. Give me a moment...
[ Oh. Oh no! Ferdinand's crying and Bernadetta flounders a little. Usually she's the one crying and someone is yelling for her to stop it.
But because she's found herself overwhelmed like this before, because certain practices have been drilled into her, she's quick to fish out a little embroidered handkerchief from a pocket in her dress.
She reaches out with it in one hand, the other coming up to frame his other cheek, gentle and tentative and cautious about where she's touching, how she's touching him. There isn't much she can say, so she doesn't say a thing. Not yet. But her eyes are wide and concerned and all too easy to read. She's never been able to hide her emotions very well, so she doesn't even try to do so now. ]
[ It really doesn't feel good to have her see him succumb to rare tears this way, especially when he's trying to be strong and resilient, when he wants to give off the impression that her visit is helping him. It is! But... perhaps he had been holding back for too long, and now that he has a way to convey what burdens his heart, his resistance falters. ]
Oh, Bernadetta... You do not have to wipe my tears for me.
[ It is quite consoling, however... to have her worry over him. He's moved by the kind gesture, and leans his cheek into her palm but decides to take the handkerchief so that he may do it himself. ]
I think so, too. But it's okay not to be fine right now. [ She waits until he wipes most of his tears away before she takes her own hands back, suddenly feeling like she's done something very invasive. Maybe she should apologize. Maybe later, when they're both not feeling so vulnerable. ]
Do... Do you know what you'll do? Can I come and stay here with you for a little while, do you think? I want to. [ The last thing she wants is for him to feel alone. ]
[Ferdinand manages to stop the tears from flowing, sniffling before talking, voice still a bit tight from the choke of his feelings. ]
I would love your company. That is just the thing I need right now. As for what I will do, well... I have time to figure that out. I do know a few Dominants who I might be able to rely upon... [He brightens at an idea that suddenly pops.] Oh, and then there is Geto! If I contracted with him, I would be able to live with you!
Oh, that's right! [ Bernie looks at him with wide eyes, then a slow and tentative smile. ]
I'm not sure, but maybe I can ask. He has a friend who might sign with him. I keep wondering when he's going to throw me out so that Mr. Gojo can come over, but... it hasn't happened yet. So... Maybe...?
[ The moment Bernadetta mentions the possibility of being discarded, Ferdinand is jolted into sadness, looking worse thanks to the fact that he was just crying. ]
Throw you out? If he cares about you, he would never just leave you without a Dominant like that. How many Submissives does he currently have?
[ Maybe this isn't as feasible as he had been hoping...? ]
I... It's just me, really. [ But lately it feels like her father's voice is always in her ear, whispering things that she feels too cruel, but too honest. It's hard not to believe him, when she's believed him for so much of her life. ]
But... He has a friend, who really likes him. I'm not supposed to say anything, he made me promise. [ Her own expression falls as she realises she's also broken that promise, too. Useless, worthless, you can't do anything right, Bernadetta. ]
I know he can have more than one, but... Maybe he doesn't know me that well yet. I keep thinking one day he'll realize how worthless I am, and it'll be fine. He's got someone he really likes around anyway.
You are anything but worthless! [he interjects emphatically.] You are thoughtful and talented, and you work hard to overcome obstacles that many others do not have to face! You are a good friend, and I value you and hold you in high esteem. He should do so as well. It saddens me deeply when you call yourself worthless, because it is not true. I wish you could see what I do.
I... [ She stares at him, eyes a little wide. ] I know. I think. Sometimes I forget. Thank you for saying so.
I think he values me too. It's just... hard to believe you, or him, or anyone, when I was so convinced otherwise, before... You know, before being here.
[ ... ]
Sorry. I came here to be with you, but I'm just making it about me. I want to be a good friend for you, so I'll do my best to be better!
[Having her acknowledge her positive traits brings a smile back to Ferdinand's face, which slowly wilts as she brings up why it's so hard to.]
This is not just about me, though. [He takes each of her hands into his.] What impacts me is impacting you, too. I will be here for you in equal measure... and I will keep reminding you of how wonderful you are.
[ She looks down at their linked hands, squeezing them on instinct and swallowing back the odd emotions it pulls out of her. Ferdinand's always so nice to her. She really needs to return the favor somehow. ]
You're just as wonderful, you know. I'm... I know this sounds really bad, but I'm glad I'm not alone. And you're still here. I... [ Hubert had been here, when she first arrived. And Annette. And now they're gone - what if Ferdinand's next? She grips him tight. ]
I'll come and visit you everyday! [ She'll leave her room for it! ] No matter where you are. If that's okay.
[ It's as though she managed to transmit the sentiment to him just by saying he was still here and holding ontighter. It reminds him that Bernadetta is still here in turn, and that selfish breed of gratefulness wells up again. His smile carries a tinge of melancholy, but it still manages to be bright. He strokes her knuckles with his thumb in slow sweeps. ]
I... feel the same way about you. I would like very much to see you every day. However, it need not always be you coming to me. I can come to you, too! Which reminds me... In our brief series of messages, you mentioned that you hadn't been home much. I found myself rather curious. Is there somewhere in particular you have been going these days?
[ Had she said that? ... She had, hadn't she? Ooh, Bernie, how are you going to admit to things now? She flushes and looks away, brows creasing in a frown as she tries to tug her hand back nervously. ]
Um. Nowhere particular! Just... looking for a place to be alone?
[ THIS IS SO SUSPICIOUS... Yes, she is receiving a rather scrutinizing look as he tries to puzzle this out. He also keeps her hand locked in his. Sorry. ]
Away from your Dominant, you mean? Is the room in your apartment not enough?
It was starting to feel a little small! [ She looks SOMEWHERE ELSE, look how interesting the floor tile is, how nice. ]
I have a lot of projects in there, and... Oh! Like Hubert's bear. [ It's time for a convenient deflection. She picks him up from the little bag she brought him in. ]
[ OH... Clever Bernadetta. An excellent tactic! It's one thing to show him the bear, but quite another to add that she intended to bring the little guy for the company, like a surrogate that could never come close to imitating the real thing. But the thought behind it touches him deeply, and the little Hubear is... quite cute, and he starts to get emotional again. ]
I... [ Oh no. Is he going to start crying again? ]
... I mean! You don't have to take him, if you don't want to. [ She holds it back towards herself. ] I just thought... Well, when I was missing you both, it helped to have him and you close by in another way. So... well... [ She holds Hubear closer, since she's figuring Ferdinand might not have wanted him after all. ]
No, I... [ All of a sudden, having the offer rescinded kind of viscerally hurts. It's just a teddy bear, yes, but it's the whole principle of the thing. He holds out his hands in acceptance of the stuffed animal, still looking and sounding like he's on the brink of tears. ] I will take him. This is a very thoughtful gesture. I am just... so moved by it, that I got a little bit choked up...
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bearlylistens) wrote2022-04-15 09:39 pm
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[ And the door clicks and opens. First he sees Bernadetta, which conjures a small smile that leavens the despondence about his features. Then he notices the bear, which clips the smile, and even causes his lips to twitch as his heart is nipped with sudden, overwhelming ache. The way he looks at Bernadetta plunges into a sort of need, a lack of solace in his darkening world that might be alleviated with someone else he loves. He makes space for her to enter. ]
Please... make yourself at home.
[ Hubert's presence is alive and well in the space, the ghost of him all that is left in the wake of his likely departure. Ferdinand hasn't the heart to rearrange much of anything, even the smallest, dynamic messes like a cup forsaken on the table. ]
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She'll worry about that later. There's no time to be selfish, after all. First thing's first, she puts the bag down on the ground so she can turn and get on her tiptoes to fling her arms around his neck, if he'll let her. ]
I'm sorry, Ferdinand.
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I cannot bring myself to believe that he is simply... gone. And yet, I... cannot find a better explanation.
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It's hard to believe when we don't understand how they do it.
Are you okay? I mean... can I do something for you?
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I mean... you'll probably need to find someone to sign a new contract with, because we have to. We'll go to their zoo if we don't. But that new someone doesn't really have to mean as much as Hubert meant to you. I think. Maybe. [ But what does Bernie know, really? She's not been in this position before. ]
Sorry. I don't know what I'm saying.
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But because she's found herself overwhelmed like this before, because certain practices have been drilled into her, she's quick to fish out a little embroidered handkerchief from a pocket in her dress.
She reaches out with it in one hand, the other coming up to frame his other cheek, gentle and tentative and cautious about where she's touching, how she's touching him. There isn't much she can say, so she doesn't say a thing. Not yet. But her eyes are wide and concerned and all too easy to read. She's never been able to hide her emotions very well, so she doesn't even try to do so now. ]
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Oh, Bernadetta... You do not have to wipe my tears for me.
[ It is quite consoling, however... to have her worry over him. He's moved by the kind gesture, and leans his cheek into her palm but decides to take the handkerchief so that he may do it himself. ]
Thank you. I will be fine...
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Do... Do you know what you'll do? Can I come and stay here with you for a little while, do you think? I want to. [ The last thing she wants is for him to feel alone. ]
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I would love your company. That is just the thing I need right now. As for what I will do, well... I have time to figure that out. I do know a few Dominants who I might be able to rely upon... [He brightens at an idea that suddenly pops.] Oh, and then there is Geto! If I contracted with him, I would be able to live with you!
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I'm not sure, but maybe I can ask. He has a friend who might sign with him. I keep wondering when he's going to throw me out so that Mr. Gojo can come over, but... it hasn't happened yet. So... Maybe...?
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Throw you out? If he cares about you, he would never just leave you without a Dominant like that. How many Submissives does he currently have?
[ Maybe this isn't as feasible as he had been hoping...? ]
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But... He has a friend, who really likes him. I'm not supposed to say anything, he made me promise. [ Her own expression falls as she realises she's also broken that promise, too. Useless, worthless, you can't do anything right, Bernadetta. ]
I know he can have more than one, but... Maybe he doesn't know me that well yet. I keep thinking one day he'll realize how worthless I am, and it'll be fine. He's got someone he really likes around anyway.
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I think he values me too. It's just... hard to believe you, or him, or anyone, when I was so convinced otherwise, before... You know, before being here.
[ ... ]
Sorry. I came here to be with you, but I'm just making it about me. I want to be a good friend for you, so I'll do my best to be better!
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This is not just about me, though. [He takes each of her hands into his.] What impacts me is impacting you, too. I will be here for you in equal measure... and I will keep reminding you of how wonderful you are.
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You're just as wonderful, you know. I'm... I know this sounds really bad, but I'm glad I'm not alone. And you're still here. I... [ Hubert had been here, when she first arrived. And Annette. And now they're gone - what if Ferdinand's next? She grips him tight. ]
I'll come and visit you everyday! [ She'll leave her room for it! ] No matter where you are. If that's okay.
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I... feel the same way about you. I would like very much to see you every day. However, it need not always be you coming to me. I can come to you, too! Which reminds me... In our brief series of messages, you mentioned that you hadn't been home much. I found myself rather curious. Is there somewhere in particular you have been going these days?
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Um. Nowhere particular! Just... looking for a place to be alone?
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Away from your Dominant, you mean? Is the room in your apartment not enough?
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I have a lot of projects in there, and... Oh! Like Hubert's bear. [ It's time for a convenient deflection. She picks him up from the little bag she brought him in. ]
I brought him so you'd have company.
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I... [ Oh no. Is he going to start crying again? ]
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... I mean! You don't have to take him, if you don't want to. [ She holds it back towards herself. ] I just thought... Well, when I was missing you both, it helped to have him and you close by in another way. So... well... [ She holds Hubear closer, since she's figuring Ferdinand might not have wanted him after all. ]
I guess I should have asked, first! I'm sorry.
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squishes her like a grape she's so cuuuute
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